All the Haircuts on The Bachelorette Contestants, Ranked
I am going to be honest—I have tried for years to give up watching The Bachelor(ette), but I can’t. I always return, whether it’s with full pride or subtle shame. Like a lasagna or old reruns of The Office, The Bachelorette comes with a familiar comfort. The faces may change, but really, do they? There are three tried and true rules to every season of The Bachelorette: It will be the most dramatic season to date. A large man will threaten to punch a smaller man before kicking mid-priced lawn furniture. Most importantly, The Swoop Haircut™ will reign supreme.
The Swoop™ is the familiar cut that men have desperately clung to in recent years. It also, briefly, nearly became the haircut of the White Nationalist movement before Richard Spencer got punched in the face. In a way, I like to believe that whomever punched him was trying to maintain the integrity of The Bachelor franchise, which hinges on this haircut. I can’t undercut The Swoop™ too much. I, too, have The Swoop™, though I like to believe my hair is more lush and beautiful than most.
With that, let’s sit down and rank them—the haircuts—of these mostly white men named things like Brian and Connor and Tyler. But before we do, let’s establish some ground rules. Unlike The Bachelor(ette), we at Esquire believe in transparency.
- The Swoop™, defined as a close fade on the sides and a garden of follicles on top, will automatically result in a plus one (1) bonus.
- Lack of facial hair will immediately result in the deduction of one (1) point. Unkempt facial hair will be evaluated at the discretion of Esquire.com’s Bachelorette Hair Senior Advisor.
- Tenacity and boldness will be rewarded only in the case of “success,” which is defined as a risk worthy of reward.
- At the discretion of Esquire.com’s Bachelorette Hair Senior Advisor, the point system may be suspended.
Brian, a math teacher, has a perfectly fine head of hair. He does lose a point for lack of facial hair, but he can’t be faulted for the haircut itself. Very decent. Freddie Prinze Jr. vibes for days. Score: 6/10
Cam, who works in software sales, has the haircut of someone who works in software sales. Double bonus points for a very well-kept beard. Score: 6/10
Chasen has fallen prey to being basic. A pilot whose favorite pastime is “watching The Bachelor and drinking cocktails with his mom” has no definable hairstyle. Points deducted for no facial hair. Score: 5/10
Connor J has a perfectly acceptable haircut. Hailing from Newport Beach, this feels appropriate for him for some reason. Bonus point for the The Swoop™. Point deducted for no facial hair. Score: 6/10
I don’t want to talk about Connor S. It upsets me. Score: 4/10
Daron is a Man. Great beard. Run of the mill haircut. I don’t want to say more because he could absolutely kick my ass eight ways to Sunday. Score: 6/10
Devin is the perfect example of how compounding categories can work in your favor. His haircut is only a 7, but when paired with The Swoop™ and a well-manicured beard, the Sherman Oaks talent manager logs an excellent finish. Score: 9/10
Ah, Dustin. Thank God there’s not a section for Christina Aguilera-style nose piercings. The 30 year old has a solid cut, but no bonus points are awarded because that beard feels messy. Score: 7/10
Dylan, another Californian, has a damn good head of hair. Beautiful incorporation of The Swoop™, but one point deducted for lack of facial hair. Score: 8/10
I wish I didn’t know that Garrett was a “Golf Pro,” but we will not let that affect his scoring. Garrett has an exciting head of hair that is simply screaming, “Hello!” No points awarded for five o’clock shadow, but he will get a bonus for a lively take on The Swoop™. Score: 9/10
Grant is fine. He’s currently unemployed, which is also fine. Have you seen this economy? The haircut is fine. The five o’clock shadow is fine. It’s all just fine. Score: 6/10
Hunter, a pro surfer, bucks the stereotype and keeps a close cut with a solid bit of facial hair. Sometimes, safe is perfectly acceptable. Score: 7/10
Jed knows what he’s doing with his hair. Both his version of The Swoop™ and his beard are well-manicured. Jed is a hair contender, and he knows it. And considering that he looks like every other male country singer right now, it’s a shame his career hasn’t taken off. Stay hopeful, Jed. Score: 9/10
Joe, who brands himself as The Box King, is all over the map. What’s this haircut? And this illusion of a beard? It’s all just a mess. Sorry, Joe. Score: 4/10
Jesus take the side part! Joey, who seems like a perfectly acceptable person, went to a barber who decided that the girth of a part-line should be interstate-sized instead of a small alley. Love your dedication to The Swoop™, but friend, we gotta talk about all that scalp. Score: 4/10
Jonathan is the perfect example of a man who takes care to have his hair cut in a clean, well-defined manner. This is good, even without a beard. Score: 8/10
John Paul Jones
John Paul Jones who apparently will only respond to “John Paul Jones” has the kind of haircut that someone who will only respond to John Paul Jones would have. And thus, he will be scored as such. This is the style of someone driving a Dodge minivan. Score: 2/10
You may not think it at first, but Kevin is a rockstar in the hair field. The Behavioral Health Specialist can grow a decent beard, though it’s muted here. He’s incorporated The Swoop™, and look at that little flick on the side. *chef’s kiss* Score: 11/10
Luke S has the haircut of someone who thinks he’s too good for The Swoop™ so he grew it out on the side. Not impressed, Luke S. I also just have this gut feeling that I wouldn’t be invited to his birthday party because I don’t have enough money. That’s just me being an asshole. Good beard, though. Score: 8/10
Luke P is a self-described “good Christian boy.” His haircut is fully embracing The Swoop™, his beard is strong, and he’s well kept. Do I want to award a good score to a man who lists Tim Tebow as his hero? No. But alas, my hands are tied by the rules. Score: 10/10
Good lord, Matt Donald! The coif! The closely shaven sides! This is the one exception to the beard rule. Matt Donald has the best hair of the bunch, with no additional points. Score: 11/10
In everyday crowds, Matteo would have a great head of hair, but in the mixed crop here, it’s simply above average. He attempts The Swoop™, but it’s not a favorite. Score: 8/10
Matthew, whose three-year-old sister is his favorite person, has great hair and an exceptional beard. He’s one of the rare ones, y’all. Score: 10/10
I’m going to be honest: I’m really intimidated by Mike’s eyebrows. But I respect the hell out of a man who keeps the lesser-appreciated follicle-bearing areas in check. I’m going to give him his score and move on. Score: 8/10
Ah, Peter. You know when someone clearly has a nice face and you just know they’ve got a good heart? That’s Peter. But that quick random assortment up top, the lack of beard, and disregard for The Swoop™ makes it hard, my man. Score: 4/10
Ryan looks like he’s going to have the best senior year of high school ever. But his version of The Swoop™ has grown out too much. The beard is simply fine. I’m verklempt on the scoring. Score: 6/10
When I tell you I’m confused about how to rate a haircut, this is what I’m talking about. At first glance, Scott’s haircut is… a choice. That’s the haircut of a man who knows his way around a TGI Friday’s. But then, when I think about it, how nice is it to live so authentically? Bring on the G-D endless apps. I’m here for this exciting up-do, Scott. Score: Both 4/10 and 10/10
Thomas is a man who is sticking to the basics. Close cut all the way around. Respectable facial hair. Score: 8/10
Like most Tylers, you know what you’re getting and it’s not particularly exciting. Though Tyler C is 26, his haircut says, “Lights out, boys!” before he goes downstairs and talks about the upcoming tax season with his wife of 14 years. It’s practical. It’s not personable. Score: 2/10
And finally, Tyler G. Very limited bonus points for the widow’s peak. No points for the beard. Score: 4/10